How to get stressed and stay stressed

Stress is something that is unique to each one of us – it is internally generated. Stress is also something that accompanies conflict. If you feel stressed and worry about how you will manage to continue feeling stressed, try practising the following clinically proven methods:

• Worry about Things You Can’t Control – Watch the MSM news channels – especially CNN – and worry about ebola, the stock market, tsunamis, earthquakes, the ozone layer etc..
• Liberally pepper your narrative with stress stimulating words like ‘hectic’ ‘exhausted’ ‘running around’ etc.
• Never Exercise – Exercise wastes a lot of time that could better be spent worrying. This will help you to stay at least 25% over your recommended weight. Junk foods, sweets, and coffee are particularly helpful here.
• Eat Anything You Want – and remember to avoid fruit and vegetables.
• Take Plenty of Stimulants – Caffeine, nicotine, sugar, sweeties and sugary soft drinks (especially colas) will help generate an adrenaline response in your body which will make you feel anxious and paranoid.
• Don’t relax – Forget evidence that suggests that meditation, yoga, deep breathing, and autogenic conditioning / mental imaging helps reduce stress. Stay stressed by reminding yourself to keep running.
• Remove your Support System – Tell the few friends you have that you concern yourself with friendships only if you have time which you never have time. Avoid people who try to be friendly with you.
• Take it personally – Anyone who has something to say about work, family, house, or car is mounting a personal attack. Don’t take time to listen, be offended, then return the attack!
• Become a workaholic – Put work before everything else, and be sure to take work home evenings and weekends. Only sissies take holidays.
• Forget Time Management Skills – Schedule more activities than you can possibly get done. Remember to worry about it all whenever you get a chance.
• Procrastinate – Putting it off to the last moment always reliably produces a great deal of stress.
• Become a perfectionist – you are guaranteed to feel guilty, depressed, and inadequate when you don’t meet the impossibly high standards you set yourself. Remember that perfectionists never show, weakness and never ask for help. Remember, if you want it done right, do it yourself!
• Life is serious – forget your sense of Humour – Staying stressed is no laughing matter.

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